SF Signal: Deathly Hallows Spoilers!!!

Deathly Hallows Spoilers!!!

That's right ladies and gentlemen, our crack team (see we have more than one) of book acquisition specialists have braved the parties and lines to not only purchase the new Harry Potter book, but also put in our hands so that we could not only demonstrate that the money spent on Evelyn Wood Speed reading courses was not in vain. So after completing what can only be described as a perusal and skimming of the contents within, we have decided to help all those folks who are not reading the book to learn the shocking secrets held within. Without any additional fanfare (because I am pretty sure there was waaaay too much tonight), SF Signal brings you the top 10 spoilers from Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows.

The guys from Ghost Hunters show up at Hogwarts looking for ghosts but don't really find any.
The IAU shows up and informs Harry, Ron and Hermoine that Sirius is really a blue giant and not a wolf.
Harry meets two new Hogwarts students named Tim Porary and Flight Attendant Krystee who both love to wear red shirts who offer to assist with Harry to stop "You-Know-Who".
At one point in the book, Voldemort informs Harry that the Death Star is fully operational.
We find out why Ron called his rat Mr. Scabbers - and it is best if you don't ask... Ewww!!!
Hermoine goes through some "changes", and Ron and Harry miss it all...
Hagrid takes his love of animal husbandry a little too far.
Harry has a fight with Draco Malfoy and finds himself saying "Did he fire six bolts or only five? Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is has a Phoenix feather Core Wand, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself a question: Do I feel lucky?"
Voldemort's evil plan includes opening a chain of low cost retail stores called 'Vol-mart'.
Harry wakes up in bed with Suzanne Pleshette and realizes that it was all a bad dream and that he is actually Bob Newhart.

Boy what a list and aren't you happy that we managed to pull that together. Anyways, we hope the book is enjoyed by those who have made the purchase, and remember there are other reading options out there when you finish Mr. Potter's tale...