After just three episodes of Heroes (two and a half, actually, as I missed part of the premiere) I have to say that I’ve never, ever been simultaneously so intrigued and so annoyed at the same show – intrigued by the premise and the unrecognized potential; annoyed because the way some things play out are so freakin’ stupid and unrealistic (as much as a show about people with supernatural powers can be) that I physically must leave the area surrounding the television or risk being engulfed in a fit of rage that would wake the neighbors.
Here, then, are 5 things that annoy me about Heroes. They all boil down to choices made by the writer(s) that sacrifice realism for some purported sense of drama, but instead play out like an insult to anyone who is paying attention.
*** SPOILER WARNING: The rest of this post is made up entirely of spoilers.
- Nerdy father-in-the-know whose glasses look so fake – Seriously, do they even make glasses like that anywhere but in Hollywood prop departments? I think they got the leftover pair from the Discovery Channel’s kids’ show Strange Days at Blake Holsey High, where the nerdy Janitor-in-the-know (who looks so much like Nerdy father-in-the-know that they may as well be related) looked just as stereotypical. Was the part written for Drew Carey or Buddy Holly? Please.
- Cheerleader with wooden stake through head – After several scenes showing how blonde cheerleader girl, who is apparently contractually obligated to wear her cheerleader uniform 24/7, is impervious to harm, is it really a suspenseful commercial cliffhanger when she gets a wooden spike through the back of her head in episode 3 at the hands of token amorous jock? Gimme an L! Giimme a A-M-E!
- Blackout Mom who drags her kid to bury bodies – While I do not consider myself a model parent, I do know enough not to take my kids on a day trip to bury dead bodies in the desert. That’s assuming, of course, I neglect the dangers of driving while susceptible to hours-long blackouts in the first place. However, if I did take my kid on a day trip to bury dead bodies in the desert, I’d sure as hell have him out there in the hot sun with shovel in hand. Good child labor is hard to find these days.
- Teleportation Kid who picks up gun at obvious crime scene – I know, I know…When you suddenly teleport across the world (and into the future to boot) into a trail of freshly spilled blood which leads directly to a corpse with its cranium sawed off and the brain removed, how could you not pick up the nearby gun? The urge is just too great. Come on! What, did he hear the S.W.A.T. team running up the stairs so he could time it so perfectly? Arrrgh!
- Mind Reader Guy who somehow fails to convince people he could read minds – In episode 2, the mind reading cop has a scene with the federal officer where she questions him about how he knew where the little girl was hiding. All the while he can read her thoughts. Why, in God’s name, why didn’t he convince her about his ability right there and then instead of 1 episode later? (Where he inexplicably failed to tell his wife…”Honey! I can read minds! Our next-door neighbors think we’re trailer trash!”) How hard could it be to convince the fed?
FED: How did you know where the girl was?
COP: I could read minds.
FED: [rolls eyes and thinks: What a loon!]
COP: You just thought “What a loon!”
FED: [thinks: Whoa…that was creepy.]
COP: You just thought “Whoa…that was creepy.”
FED: [thinks: Is this some sort of trick?]
COP: You just thought “Is this some sort of trick?”
FED: [thinks: I am the very model of a modern Major General.]
COP: [slaps Fed.]
I really, really hope moments like this are eliminated from this show. It has such great promise. I liken it to the superhero-ish-ness of the Shamma Lamma Ding-Dong movie Unbreakable. If the annoyances stop, I’ll be so happy. And isn’t my happiness what it’s all about?