Zombie John C. Wright is the author of The Last Zombie of Everness and the Zombies of Chaos trilogy. SF Signal had a chance to catch up with him (which wasn’t all that difficult since he’s the moseying kind of zombie) and ask him a few questions.
SF Signal: Hi John. What is a zombie?
Zombie John C. Wright: When a person dies and is buried, it seems that certain voodoo priests have the power to bring them back to life! It’s worse than horrible, because a zombie has no will of his own. You see zombies sometimes walking around blindly with dead eyes, following orders, not knowing what they do, not caring. Like Democrats.
SFS: How did you become a zombie?
ZJCW: In the usual way. I was space-napped by a Mi-go, the horrid fungi from Yuggoth, and brought alive in a containment jar to the planet Pluto, where I was drained of my vital essence by the Dark Crystal and reduced to mindless servitude to the Nine Infinite Beings of Pluto, darkest of worlds. I was returned to Earth by Zeta Ray, and immediately set about writing lurid pulp novels, in order to help destroy the literary conventions and tastes of mankind: once all sense of civility vanishes from a culture, it is relatively easy to turn them into zombies.
SFS: Are you particular about the brains you eat and how you eat them?
ZJCW: Indeed. The main obstacle to zombification is a person’s sense of self-identity, or ego. In order to pave the way for the coming zombie rule, it is necessary to destroy those science fiction authors whose egos are even more enormous than my own. So far, I have only found one, the venerable Harlan Ellison: his brain is large enough to provide grisly feasting for many days. Fortunately he is shorter and thinner than I am, so all I need do to crush him is to fall on him with my belly.
SFS: Which film do you feel best represents the zombie population?
ZJCW: Brain from the Planet Arous. While you lunchmeats (as we affectionately refer to the still-living) might think this is a horror show, we regard it as a cooking program. Those giant space brains look ever so much more tasty than the slim pickings we get here.
SFS: Is it true that zombies get all the babes?
ZJCW: Absolutely false. Vampire lords get all the babes. Dracula can disco, all we can do is a lurching shamble embarrassing to behold. the Creature from the Black Lagoon gets that chick in the bathing suit, and the Mummy gets his girlfriend reincarnated as the beautiful daughter of an overcurious British archeologist. Even Frankenstein has a bride. What do we get? Nada. Zippo.
SFS: Zombie John C. Wright vs. Zombie John Scalzi: who would win?
ZJCW: Neither! John Scalzi and John Wright would immediately combine forces against confirmed Pluto-hater and fellow zombie Scott Westerfeld, rend him and suck out his brains for soup, in order to avenge his affront to the planet from which our sovereign zombie lord Yuggoth the Ever-Living manifests itself from the Twentieth Dimension, ever-glorious Pluto, darkest of worlds. Westerfeld has claimed Pluto is not a planet: if so, where do the Mi-go go when they go?
SFS: How has zombification affected your writing?
ZJCW: Not a bit. I have never attempted to be original, but have always been content to march in the paths laid down by antique writers whom I respect. Now I shamble, instead of march, but as long as I am merely one of a glassy-eyed horde, I am content.
SFS: Who is the better writer: you or Gene Werewolf?
ZJCW: Pardon me, but I was drinking brains when I read this, and laughing sprayed brain goo all over my computer monitor. Well, since I am merely one of a glassy-eyed horde, whereas Gene is a genius, I think this question answers itself. I suggest you rush right out an buy yourself a copy of Shadow of the Torturer, so you can see the absurdity of the question.