Beware The Hairy Mango Archives

You ever wonder what it sounded like when I spoke slowly on Beware the Hairy Mango? Well, pretend you’ve wondered. It sounded a lot like this terribly old episode!

One has to delve deeply into ancient knowledge to unlock the secrets of the vampire! Yes, as ancient as episode 12! Don your steel-belted shirt collars and wander aimlessly into “The Next Vampire Story!”

WARNING: You’ll be sleeping with the lights on! Even if you work third shift and sleep during the day!

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Where the heck have I been? That’s not a rhetorical question, I’m genuinely hoping you can tell me. A better question might be, “Where the heck hasn’t Beware the Hairy Mango been?” Well, here, for one. But all that has changed! At least for a day.

Let’s explore the hilarity of a brutal program of colonialism and tasty computer meat in today’s practically brand new episode, “The Fifth Corner!”

WARNING: I don’t remember if I say bad things in this one, but I usually do.

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Beware the Hairy Mango: ‘Here’s Not Looking at You, Kid!’

Hello, you crepuscular mollusks! Beware the Hairy Mango has a brand new show, raring to stop, with a higher than average amount of eye-goo!

Get a whiff of thrilling adventure as a daring explorer combats both icky gross creatures and the semi-bridled lust of an entire town: Here’s Not Looking at You, Kid!

WARNING: Why do I still have to warn you about this show? Are you even paying attention?

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Hey there, My Tropical Ends and Odds! Beware the Hairy Mango is full-bellied with a new episode, about to spill all over your ear!

Prepare yourselves for a sultry tale of sultry roofing supplies and the sultry coney who sultry touches their lives sultry: Swinging Shingles!

WARNING: Carol Channing impression and dirty, dirty words!

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Beware the Hairy Mango: ‘The Fouling’

Greetings, Assorted Fruits! We at Beware the Hairy Mango will soon have some exciting news for serious Mango fans! In the meantime, here’s another crappy episode.

Just in time for Halloween, it’s our first ever werewolf story! I hear nothing but howls every time I show my full moon, but luckily for you, this Mango is only an auditory experience. Dribble all over that court and prepare yourself for: The Fouling!

(Podmaster’s note: this is actually a basketball-free episode. Listeners who suffer from basketball allergies are welcome, as always.)

WARNING: Adult language and painful adult concepts!

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Beware the Hairy Mango (Throwback!): ‘All You Need is Lava’

Hello, My Dearest Drens! Put your head on both my shoulders at the same time and swoon over this classic piece of Beware the Hairy Mango nostalgia!

In today’s thrilling adventure, an intrepid group of geologists explore the mysteries of a gravy-spewing volcano (I seemed to have forgotten there were such beings as volcanologists when I wrote this episode)! A good time will be had by some!

WARNING: Naughtiness!

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Beware the Hairy Mango: ‘Easy Bake Lovin”

Hey, Tropical Fruit-chewers! It’s time for an episode of Beware the Hairy Mango that’s so new, it almost isn’t out yet!

Today’s story is romance at its sweetest, with just a hint of spice, depending on your definition of spice. Let’s all make some love through the miracle of Easy Bake Lovin’!

WARNING: Nasty words and concepts! I can’t believe you’re planning to listen to this!

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Beware the Hairy Mango (Throwback!): ‘A Case of the Lumps’

Enough of this new stuff! What about all the folks out there who dig soft, mushy, brown fruit? Well, those folks are in luck, because Beware the Hairy Mango has those in droves! Or groves. Or mushpiles.

This is one of my favorites, the story of a diseased lake and the enjoyment it gives the general public. And although I give you about 40 seconds of bloopers at the end, I assure you I was screwing up for over two minutes! You can thank me for editing that down.

WARNING: Awful, awful words. Just awful!

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Beware the Hairy Mango: “Straw Poll”

Somebody call Human Resources, because this is our freshest Beware the Hairy Mango yet!

This episode totally belongs on SF Signal because there are spacesuits! No one goes into space, but, c”mon, baby steps, people. Click down and listen up. Maybe you”ll win the Straw Poll!

(I actually have to remove some exclamation points when I”m posting these things. Don”t want to get you too excited.)

WARNING: I”m sure there”s something filthy in here!

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Beware the Hairy Mango: ‘Bottom Out’

Hello, my swarthy Mango-munchers! This is your forgotten, but not gone Matthew Sanborn Smith, and his out of mind, outta sight podcast Beware the Hairy Mango!

Our latest story scrapes your barrel of a bottom and asks the eternal question, “Is this episode over yet?” The sooner you listen the sooner it will be! Click the soundy thing below and top yourself off while you Bottom Out!

WARNING: This podcast contains mature concepts presented by an immature mind!

It’s MuchoMangoMayo 2013!

Hello, my hearty Mangolistas! It’s that time of year again: MuchoMangoMayo 2013!

Listen to a new episode of Beware the Hairy Mango each and every day this month at the best URL for the bewaring of hairy mangoes, bewarethehairymango.com!

Have I said “mango” enough? No? Well, listen to me say it a few more times in the audio promo below in which you’ll get such a paltry amount of additional details, you’ll shake your fist at your ears!

Now that SF Signal has won the Hugo, it can finally be told . . .
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Beware the Hairy Mango – The Mango You’ve Been Missing!

Hello, my hairy hotdogs! You’ve spent far too many long and lonely nights without the golden Beware the Hairy Mango podcast and I’m here today to give you a taste of what you’ve been missing. Out of the last thirty-five episodes it turns out I had about four good ones, so I’ve wrapped them up bug as a snug and delivered them here to you! Lie down in your chair and ready yourself for the best twenty minutes of your natural life!

WARNING – Filthy Dirty Listening Up Ahead!

But wait! There are three more gems like this after the jump!

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MuchoMangoMayo 2012!

It’s that time of year again when we gather round the Mango tree and clobber each other with once-a-year love. Yes! It’s MuchoMangoMayo 2012!

My gift to you this year is a new episode of the Beware the Hairy Mango podcast each and every day this month! Yes, I know it’s the same thing I got you last year, but this year I kept the receipt so you can exchange it for a podcast you’ll like. No, of course it won’t hurt my feelings.

*sob*
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Matthew Sanborn Smith is the proprietor of the always-hilarious podcast Beware the Hairy Mango. He’s just recorded his 100th episode and, in proper celebration of a number that ends in one or more zeroes, has adapted it for YouTube (what the Internets calls “recording a video”). This is definitely worth 10 minutes of your time.

The setup: If you’ve never heard a Mango episode before…shame on you! Seriously, this is great stuff. Matt’s got more talent in his little finger than I have in my slightly larger little finger. This particular video is rough around the edges as compared to his usual podcast, but what it lacks in perfection, it more than makes up for in charm.

Warning: This video uses harsh language…as evidenced by the inclusion of minors. Watch it fast before Child Protection Services has it taken down! Finally, a argument in favor of child labor…

(I kid! < -- See what I did there?)

Enough of me...here's the video...
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Beware the Hairy Mango: ‘The Careerist’s Guide to the Sea’

A very Mangy Christmas to all of you SF Signalites and your patchy dogs too! We’re temporarily skipping a few episodes of Beware The Hairy Mango in order to deliver the four part pirate epic, The Careerist’s Guide to the Sea, right up your chimney! It’s the Christmas present you didn’t know you didn’t want! Dole it out slowly and cover half of Chanukah! No matter what religious affiliation your damned greedy kids enjoy, we’ve got you covered.

WARNING! I’ll bet there’s some dirty stuff in at least one of these shows!

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To borrow the words of the immortal Mr. Flanders, “Hi-dilly-ho, Neglectorinos!” Hot off the backburner, this is Matthew Sanborn Smith wishing you a very belated Beware The Hairy Mango! My apologies to all for the Mango’s two-and-a-half month absence. I swear I wasn’t busy with other things, I just forgot about you. So I hope that makes you feel better. On the positive side, many of you didn’t know we were missing at all. Because you’re so malnutrished, we’re force-feeding you a whole half-bushel of Mangoes, or, if you prefer, a half whole-bushel.

WARNING! Daringly naughty! Naughtily Daring! Keep the wee ones in the cellar where they belong!

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Heavens! You’ve caught me and the Beware The Hairy Mango podcast unawares! We were in the shower and didn’t hear you come in. Our combined body hair requires a bottle and a half of shampoo before it even considers getting clean. But you’ll feel a world (or at least a city) of squeaking cleanliness when you lose yourself in today’s wonderful story, “A Hell of a Licking!”

WARNING! Some gross and yuchy adult stuff may be going on inside!

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Dragging this dead horse into its third dreadful month, this is Beware The Hairy Mango’s final installment of MuchoMangoMayo! Rather than leave week four and a half until sometime in 2014, I’ve added it here to the end of week four. So much Mango you could choke! (don’t do that) You’re almost at the end, don’t quit on us yet! Quit later!

WARNING! Awful, foul things within! Even typing about them makes me blush!

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Another Dose of MuchoMangoMayo!

Aloha, Signalariats! Beware The Hairy Mango rises from the sewers of months past to hinder your much needed concentration. MuchoMangoMayo is so big it has kicked June’s doors in and spilled out onto the dace floor! Enjoy this third week of strange wonder, broccoli monsters and sexy cosmology. How I wish I were you!

WARNING! Fulla dirty junk!

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