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‘Twas the Night Before Fringemas

The fine folks over at John’s favorite new show, Fringe, have just released this Christmas-themed recap of the season so far. It’s narrated by John Noble who plays more than slightly unhinged mental asylum refugee Walter Bishop to the same meter as the poem ‘The Night Before Christmas’. If you’ve never seen Fringe, now you can get some feel for what the show offers.

Those with sensitive stomachs or weak constitutions are advised to watch with caution.

About JP Frantz (2323 Articles)
Has nothing interesting to say so in the interest of time, will get on with not saying it.

3 Comments on ‘Twas the Night Before Fringemas

  1. I gave Finge a shot but stopped watcing after 5 shows because the science is STUPID.

  2. Speaking of Fringe, and thus J. J. Abrams:

    Apparently someone spotted a Slusho ad in J. J. Abrams’ new Star Trek trailer.  This makes me begin to wonder if all of Abram’s creations really are set in the same universe, a universe bound together by Slusho.  Now, I’ve never watched Alias, but I hear it shows up there as well.  That means we’re just waiting on Fringe and Lost to exhibit some signs of Slusho before we can attempt to create some kind of unified slusho theory.  Without any further information from those shows, here’s the best that I’ve got.

    Walter Bishop, working with the Dharma Initiative to create an island-propulsion device, creates the Slusho Serum (which looks remarkably like blue snow-cone syrup) on the Island.  The substance is so powerful that it somehow rips the Island out of the space-time continuum, leading to all the funky time stuff on Lost.  Walter leaves the island on good terms with the Initiative and the Hanso foundation, and goes back to performing his own morally questionable experiments on the mainland.  One of these morally questionable experiments includes re-creating the Slusho Serum in his own lab for recreational mind-altering purposes.  He sells the formula, under the table, to a Japanese drug dealer, who dilutes the serum by mixing it with shaved ice.  In this weakened form, he begins selling it as a summertime treat.  The business flourishes, due to the addictive nature of the Slusho Serum.  (“You can’t drink just six!”)

    Meanwhile, back on the Island, the Dharma initiative attempts to ship a sample of the Slusho Serum back to the headquarters of the Hanso Foundation somewhere in Europe.  Unfortunately, the space-time altering effects of the serum are too much for the small boat crew to handle, and the boat is never seen again.  Several months later, inexplicable sinkings of oil rigs are reported, along with strange ocean-bottom activity.  As it turns out, the lost sample of the Slusho Serum has sunk to the bottom of the sea, where it begins to effect a small species  of ocean-vent-dwelling crabs, making them grow and  procreate with similarly mutated whales at an unthinkable speed.  Soon, Clovie is born.  He follows the  trail of Slusho Serum at first, and, when that runs out, he goes from eating one large oceanic vessel to another.  He is drawn to New York by the immense boat traffic there.  Upon arriving, Clovie is startled by the statue of liberty, mistaking it for a living being preparing to clobber him with a blunt object.  He slaps off lady liberty’s head and goes on a rampage, stomping on lots of people including Mundungus Haberdashery Kirk, the great, great, great, great, great grandfather of James T. Kirk.

    The people of earth, terrified of being smooshed by really big things, quickly build a fleet of spaceships to get us the heck off of this planet.  Within the Kirk family, The story of Mundungus Haberdashery Kirk’s death is passed down from generation to generation.  James T. Kirk grows up knowing that helping humanity find a giant-monster-less place to rest its collective head is what he was born for, and joins Starfleet.  Due to an unusually high level of  consumption of Slusho products as a child, Kirks mutant muscles and overdeveloped brain quickly propel him to the top of his class, where he is granted his very own spaceship and a friend with pointy ears.  The rest, as they say, is history.

    The only problem with this theory is the dual identity of Matthew Abbadon and Phillip Broyles.  But, since most of these shows don’t always make sense anyway, we can probably write it off.  A possible explanation would be that Phillip Broyles is actually in Massive Dynamic’s pocket (all those secret meetings with Robo-Arm McGraw point to this…) and that Massive Dynamic owns or helps fund the Dharma Initiative.  He could be playing for two teams.

    Also, I have yet to discover any Slusho references in Mission Impossible III, unless, of course, the “Rabbit’s Foot” is a vial of pure Slusho Serum.

    So, there you have it.  The Unified Slusho Theory of the Abramsverse.

  3. The only thing that makes Fringe watchable is Walter Bishop.  If the creators of the show would just realize that, drop all of their ham-fisted attempts at creating a Great And Overarching Mythology and make a show as fun as this video, then I would watch Fringe and tell others to do so.

    However, since Orci, Kurtzman and Abrams are all hacks who love the sound of their own scripts, that probably won’t happen.

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